Written by Left of Lost at 9:47 PM
The bending of time always fascinates me. How can one day feel like a week, yet I could spend a week on a beach and feel as though I just arrived? I can lie in my dark room, silence pulling on my thoughts, and stare at the clock.....60 seconds seems irrationally slow when you are waiting for morning to show. But 5 minutes is never enough when I'm almost late for work. Or when I press the snooze button.
55 days ago, an ending and a beginning.
"Before you can have a new beginning, you must make peace with the ending. Endings come before beginnings."
First, the ending:
Silence. Aching. Anger. Rage. Biting the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. Crying until sleep. Sleeping until more tears. Shattered ideas of dreams. Unasked questions. Wrong paths. Short paths. Almost lovers. One night stands. Disgust. Loss. Loneliness. Fear. Knocking down. Debris. Re-building. Distrust. Mistrust. Deception. Desertion. Actions blinded by tears. Love washed away by lies.
I had grown to expect loneliness. I wasn't willing to settle, but I was. After three years-approximately 1096 days-my present became my past. My now became my then. My this became my ending.
A night that I didn't want to end, went by too quickly. I had wished for this night for so long. As a girl, wishing for that romantic comedy, no real PERSON in mind, just that persistent feeling that my ONE was out there somewhere, that I would find him. For nearly a month, I had ached for this night, with HIM, specifically. And finally, when it happened...it flew by.
But that moment. My beginning. It is forever etched on my heart, glowing just under the surface of my skin, touched by him.
I sat at a table with him in a loud hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I grew lightheaded and dizzy when it hit me: my beginning.
The thought resonated in my brain, bouncing behind my eyeballs, when he reached across the table and put his hand on my forearm: my one. My skin vibrated beneath the heat of his hand, and all the bullshit that is now my ending grew silent in my brain, and the silence was unbearably loud, but not as loud as the peace I felt within my heart.
Ache. Comfort. Hope. Peace. Joy. Simple sleep. Dreams. Soft touches. Trust. No doubt. Fearless. Fullness. New paths. Smiles. Connected hearts. Eyes upward. Eyes forward. Respect. Honesty. Loyal. Shared future. Love.
He is my one.
I try to tell him this every day.
I have had no doubt since that night.
And the bending of time?--55 days has flown by, but I feel as though I have loved him for 1000 years.
I know that I was made for him, and he for me.
Two months in our time is just the blinking of an eye, the sliding down of one grain of sand in an hourglass, in God's time.
He is my beginning, and I am his.
Written by Left of Lost at 11:08 PM
My girl, she has a fantastic sense of humor. I may have mentioned this before. She makes me full-on laugh to the point of tears or snorts (yes, snorts) daily. Sunday it was her response to my saying that I love the Rangers more than I love her: with a deadpan expression, she turned to me and gave me the ASL sign for "bullshit". (Yes, I taught her that....*gold star*)
Yesterday it was her worrying about how she looked out in public since she was home sick from school. She looked fine, in shorts and a shirt, and I made some not-really-paying-attention comment along the lines of "You look beautiful no matter what". Her response: She started to shuffle and sing "I'm sexy and I know it", ending with "I work out, out, out..."
Most of my pictures of her the past year or so have been ridiculously silly. I get smartass grins or hand gestures, and it always makes me laugh. Is she inappropriate at times? Oh, yes. Is it my fault? Probably. But the kid? She knows what to say, and when. And I LOVE that she has picked up one of the traits I love about myself: finding humor in shitty situations.
We run to Target for a pair of flip flops for her. She outgrew last summer's, and I have been calling them trip flops since that is all she does in them. I actually threw them in the recycling bin a couple of weeks ago, and kept putting off this damn task of trying on 1200 pairs of flip flops until she finds the pair THAT FITS JUST RIGHT, IT IS TOO TIGHT, OH, I WANT IT TO BE SOFTER, MY FOOT FEELS FAT,THEY ARE TOO BIG, THEY ARE TOO SMALL, THEY ARE PERFECT BUT I WANT ANOTHER COLOR....omg. OMG.
So. She's home sick again today, so we go. I don't know what I'm thinking. I am uber stressed with the closing on the house this week and moving this weekend and being deathly afraid of having enough money, so I already knew I had very little patience for.... (cueing the ASL sign) bullshit.
But anyway. She didn't find a pair of flip flops she liked. She explanation above. But that isn't the point here.
Walking through the baby section, we both point out various adorable infant outfits. "Awwww." "Look at this one!" "I love this!"
Blah blah blah.
My daughter knows me well enough to know I want more children. She also knows me well enough to know that it hurts to see people having babies and to even see cute little outfits. I don't say anything, but I don't need to. She just knows.
We walk on in silence, and I feel her hand find mine, her thumb rub softly on the top of my hand. I look down at her, looking up at me, broad smile shining.
"When are you going to get a boyfriend?"
"You have been alone too long."
"Who ARE you, kid?"
"Your daughter, who wants you to get a boyfriend."
"Because I know you want more babies."
"Yes, you are right, but it isn't that simple...."
"Sure it is!"
We walk out of the store in silence.
"When you have another baby...."
"Could you have a black baby please?"
I couldn't stop laughing. I love this kid.
"Mom, you always say they are beautiful, and I like their hair, so we both win!"
Seriously. She is soooo mine.
Written by Left of Lost at 11:39 PM
I drive by the same 2 cemeteries almost every day on my way home from work. I know a handful of people in one, and none in the other. I gaze at the stones, some dusty and broken; others, standing strong and proud, fresh flowers or flags gracing the presence of the deceased.
A source of comfort for some: a resting place of a loved one, a spot to visit, placing flowers on the headstone and losing time speaking to those gone from here.
For others I know it is a place to fear. So many of us fear death (myself included, at times), so we can't handle to have it shoved in our faces, so loud, so cruel and final.
But what about the final resting place of something so very integral to our lives? Where do you go to mourn the death of a marriage? There is no stone, nowhere to place flowers and fill the air with our apologies.
For two years, I have felt this post brewing inside my soul. I have talked with close friends who have gone through divorce, and there are similarities. There's a sense of alone-ness, isolation, unforgiveness.
I mourned the death of my marriage by burying myself in my last 2 semesters of grad school. I sought comfort in my girl's face: her broad smile, her sparkling eyes, the never-ending affection in her words. I turned my back on the pain all day long, pushed the thoughts away, so I could keep putting one foot in front of the other. I smiled, I reassured everyone that I was okay as I bandaged their own wounds (mine gaping open, draining me of necessary energy).
The day I moved out of my home, and into my mother's, my bed was the last thing moved. I vividly remember standing in the middle of my bedroom, empty except for the elliptical machine, a pile of his belongings on the floor, and that bed. I thought of all of the ridiculous things said about "the marriage bed", and how many nights I had spent alone in that bed. The space and silence in the room overwhelmed me.
I have mourned the death of my marriage in this bed.
It has been a comfort. It is where I long to go to cuddle my girl at night. It is where I curl up around the ball of fur that is Max in the dead of the night. I have cried here, slept, had nightmares and daydreams, died, lost sleep. It is where I have rehashed every conversation, every word, and where I cried for apologies unspoken. It is where I hide, when things get to be too much. It is where I have spent so many nights alone. It is where I have lost hope, begging and pleading for peace and touch. It is where I have cried myself to sleep, and prayed myself to sleep as well.
Over these 2 years, this bed has become MINE again. Not ours. It isn't ours anymore. I cannot fathom that this is the same bed I laid on with the man I was married to. I cannot fathom that this is the same bed where we whispered in the dark, hushed voices full of dreams and plans.
It is now MY BED.
As I have grown to feel that my loneliness is MINE. My isolation MINE. My fear MINE. I have all these feelings and beliefs and truths and semi-truths tangled in these bed sheets with my bare legs, and I realize that this death is long over; the slate was wiped clean of this marriage. Yet, just like the death of a loved one, the grief never really goes away. It hangs, comes and goes, ebbs and flows, and there are little (or big, king-sized) reminders that bring it all back sometimes.
I decided today that I officially need a vacation. Not gonna happen in reality, but I so need to get away. I'm just not sure from what exactly. I wake up, get my girl to school, go to work, come home, do mommy-related activities, put the kiddo to bed, attempt to read or write or watch some ridiculous tv, go to bed. Lately I have been packing. I unpacked a book so that I could read something. Something to distract me from my brain and my heart. They are driving me a little crazy.
I sit here tonight in the dark of my living room, surrounded by boxes. And again, I feel that terrible feeling of loneliness. It is so ridiculous. I am annoyed with myself for feeling this way. I am put out with my loneliness and my stupid heart's desire to share my life with someone.
We only live once, and I'm always saying that. And I see it every day at work: I love 60+ people who are at the end of their lives...time is growing small for them...and I enjoy their silliness, their sass, their crankiness....and I know damn well that my time will grow small soon too-my girl will soon be in 2nd grade, and then middle school, and then high school. I don't have forever, so I need to enjoy it! And I do, but.....
I feel myself growing more lonely. Not desperate. Not crazy girl. Just...lonely. I have some wonderful friends, and a handful that will check on me or be there in 2 seconds if I say "Yes, I need you". Ah.
But I don't say that very often.
But we all know I'm not talking about friends.
I feel so ridiculous to say that I am lonely for a GOOD, HONEST, STRONG, KIND, GIVING MAN. Do they exist?
I feel like I have a shit ton to offer someone. I feel like I'm a catch. ( Have you seen this??? *points at body*) (Kidding) I am not free of silly bullshit or imperfections, but I am good. And I just feel myself sitting here, wasting time for.... what?
I need a vacation, people. Away from myself.
Written by Left of Lost at 10:28 PM
An update of sorts, because my brain is so fried from all of it that I can't imagine writing something brilliant right this very second:
My mom and I put an offer on 4 houses. This last one stuck. We close May 3rd and start moving May 4th. Relieved and stressed and worried and tired. It's a beautiful home, but worried a bit about it not being big enough. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's smaller than any of the other homes we put offers on. I'm sure it will be fine, and it's definitely larger than we have now.
In the market for a new job. Feeling very unappreciated and dismissed. Not by the residents. They are fabulous. I love them. But by those above me. It feels fake. Does that make sense? Hmmm...I may need a post about this.
Did I mention that about a month ago a dumbass man hit my truck and DROVE OFF? Did I mention how I chased his ass, approximately 5 miles? Jerk-off had a suspended license. Yes, I know: "Did you call the police?" No. I'm a dumbass. I am a dumbass kind social worker that gave him the benefit of the doubt when he and his "boss" told me they would pay for it to get fixed, rather than involve the police and insurance companies. I am a dumbass. I.AM.A.DUMBASS. They stopped returning my calls. It happened on a Thursday and I called my insurance on Saturday. They won't return my insurance company's phone calls either. Shitheads. So I don't exactly have the extra cash to pay my deductible right now (See: buying a house), so I'm driving around with a busted tail light, a nice dent in my truck bed, and some fantastic ripple-like dents. Ugh.
I started playing dodgeball. The whole "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball...". I am a fantastic dodger, but I am terrible at throwing them. I am also not competitive at all, so there's that. I enjoy the laughs though.
I am sick of the dating game. It is largely a GAME. Ugh. I am disgruntled about it. I am lonely and vulnerable and sick of both feelings.
Lastly, my ex had a baby with his girlfriend last Thursday. Yeah. I wish I could say that it doesn't make my list of "shit that has been going on in my life lately", but it does. Sadly, it affects a lot...my girl has mixed emotions and is struggling a bit. I know all kids have a mess of feelings when a sibling is born, but I know for a fact that it feels even more different when it is a half-sibling (I have one, although I have never thought of her as such). And when she is hurting, it hurts me. I want her to feel good about it, feel confident that her dad will love her just the same, be happy, and feel safe. I know I can't control for everything, but she is my priority and it makes me ache.
So much more to write. So much more to say. But so tired.
Please come back. I will be writing more. Better. More.
Written by Left of Lost at 10:49 PM